The Gospel of Processed Cheesy Meat

Oh, dear, where to begin. There are few topics that get me so fired up as the so-called Name it & Claim it, Prosperity, Pie-in-the-Sky, My-Big-Heaven-Daddy's-gonna-buy-me-a- candy-apple-red-1965-mint-Mustang-someday-because-I'm-the-perfect-Christian-brat-and-you're-not Syndrome.
I was pleased that Time Magazine tackled an article about the Prosperity Gospel with what I think is a great deal of seriousness and candor: (It's a long article, so prepare to have a few moments to take it all in)
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1533448,00.html


What you haven't seen as you read this is that I've been sitting in front of my computer for quite awhile now trying to figure out a nice way to write what I want to say about this "gospel." Frankly, it's not working. The not-so-good-news health and wealth gospel simply infuriates me. If you could see me right now, you could tell as much. When I get overly angry about something my jaw sets such that I will likely have to have some serious dental work done someday.

First off, I must say that I'm not surprised at the development of such a gospel here in the Land of Good and Plenty. It's typical for us overindulged Americans, who would rather camp out in front of our television sets and be spoon-fed theology from the Great Talking Idiot Box of the Living Room, to buy into a sort of Christianity that compares God to the Great ATM Machine in the sky, who, according to this non gospel, would rather we drive nice shiny cars and live in plush dream homes than develop any sort of character and Christ-likeness.

I wonder why any of us would be surprised by such a theology that would crop up in Good and Plenty Land where the Great and Wonderful Idiot Box reigns on a throne of expensive furniture, despite the fact that something like seventy percent of the world's population goes hungry on a daily basis? Is it just we Western "sort-of" Christians that the ATM god wishes to bless with health and wealth? Is it just we Western "sort-of" Christians that the ATM god has seen fit convey money, good eats, safe homes, retirement savings plans and bank accounts and assets that quite possibly put the governments of small countries to shame? Why, of course, say the prophets of ATM god! Why, this is after all a Christian nation, founded on Christian principles, why shouldn't we taste the greenie delights of this psuedo god? We're basically good, hard-working people just trying to make a decent living! Besides, it's much easier and fits in much more nicely with our materialistic, consume-everything-in-sight-before-anyone-else-can get-a-crack-at-it mentality in Good and Plenty Land. Why deny ourselves - what value is there in it?

But, I say, spit it out, worshipers of the Good and Plenty! Spit this theology out like a bad piece of processed cheesy meat fed to you by god Idiot Box! I know processed cheesy meats appeal more to our tastebuds that are themselves beginning to take on the qualities of these fun fake foods, but in the end it will clog your brain and spiritually kill you just like the fat and preservatives in edible processed cheesy meat will eventually fill up your arteries and kill your body. If you continue to look at God like some kind of materialistic cosmic gift-giver, you will never understand what it is to be fulfilled spiritually. "Things," jobs, relationships, nice furniture, cushy homes and well-stocked cars don't fill us spiritually. Yeah, OK, these things are fun for awhile - I'm certainly the first to admit it. I bought a Jeep Liberty a couple years ago simply because I talked myself into a little lie that suggested that a Jeep Liberty has much more "personality" than the bottom-of-the-line Saturn I had been driving. But when their newness has long worn off and we're stuck with the payment, we find that it's just another thing that has been replaced with a better model.

God fills us spiritually, satisfies our longings for that "there's-got-to-be-something-more-out-there" feeling that the majority of us children of the land of Good and Plenty are searching for. And can I let you in on a little secret? This spiritual satisfaction doesn't always instantly feel good the way a new car instantly makes us feel worthy of higher class, the way new clothes instantly make us feel somewhat better about the wear and tear on our bodies, the way a new home instantly makes us feel rich. But that's just it - don't you see? Things that are good for us don't always carry with them the most pleasant experiences. Think about your last trip to the doctors office, the time you had your wisdom teeth pulled or when your mom had to peroxide the heck out of the road-rash you collected when you took a spill off your bike.

All this isn't to say that God isn't the giver of good gifts. On the contrary, he certainly is! He's the only one who can make that horrible "there's-got-to-be-something-else" feeling finally abate. He's the giver of patience, love, kindness, longsuffering, selflessness, forgiveness, rest, peace and all the rest that goes along with these inner characteristics that help us to grow more Christ-like, help us to put others above ourselves, help us to forgive others not because they need our forgiveness but because, ultimately, that forgiveness allows us to accept God's forgiveness. You see, these are the real benefits - realizing that we, ourselves, matter very little compared to the one sitting next to us, our brothers and sisters around the world who are hungry, naked and homeless. But this self sacrifice bit is a difficult lesson to learn - it's not as easy as processed cheesy meat. It's rather like preparing a seven-course meal from scratch instead of opening a can of cream of mushroom soup and announcing that dinner's ready.

All of this is also not to say that money in and of itself is bad. Rather, it's the LOVE of money that leads to all sorts of evil behavior. I grew up poor. Now that I'm older and I'm not so poor anymore, I had awful pangs of guilt for having more. But I read some Dallas Willard, who rightly said in Spirit of the Disciplines (a book I would highly recommend every Christian read), that we want there to be Christians out there who have money. It's a good thing! Why would we want all of the world's money to be controlled by evil people who would use it for evil deeds? Instead, it's good that there are good people who have lots of money to spread around to the have nots and good causes. And, Willard also points out that those without money are probably more likely to spend the majority of their time of finding ways to get more money. Whereas, those with money will likely spend much less time focusing on the money. So having money, making money, having nice things is not a bad thing. It's what you do with the money, it's what you expect God to do for you regarding money and it's your attitude about the money that really causes the problem.

And one more thing while I'm on my soap box: Those processed cheesy meat gospel prophets out there like Joel Osteen and Creflo Dollar (and, really, doesn't the name just say it all?) are selling false hopes and dreams. Everyone can't be rich. It's impossible for every single person to be monetarily rich. And what happens to the poor slob who buys into processed cheesy meat gospel and only gets a stomach ache for his trouble? What do you tell this person, Processed Cheesy Meat Pastor? Do you tell him he lost his job and can't provide enough food for his family because he didn't give enough money to your ministry or because he didn't buy your book? Do you tell the mother who's child has died of SIDS in her crib that if only she'd contributed more money to your ministry the Good Lord would've blessed her with a living child? And what about the wife who lost her husband of 30 years - why is it that she spent so long taking care of him but loses him anyway? Was it because she just didn't have enough faith in God's good gifts? What happens to their souls, Processed Cheesy Meat Pastor, when God doesn't deliver on the promises you say he'll give, they blame God and reject him? Do you really believe it's the sheep's fault, Processed Cheesy Meat Pastor? Is it God's fault? Or is it a false and unpredictable gospel that will certainly one day clog your arteries as well?